In the fractal flow of life, where there are layers within layers and patterns within patterns, the holographic experience that I’m going through is not an isolated incident particular only to me. It is extremely likely that my situation is representative of many others who are going through similar challenges.

So my musing and writing on my current situation is not only therapeutic but may also be something you can relate to and help you in your own journey. And usually I edit my writings for consistent voice. But not in these holographic accounts. You and I are intertwined. I write for both of us.

The sticky flow of life makes it hard to change course based solely on a decision and not on circumstances. Decisions are soft life choices. Circumstances provide hard life choices.  Note that I’m not making any value judgment here, I’m simply making an observation.

When you make a deeply soul-searched decision to leave a marriage after a couple of decades, not because of some dire threat to life or property or other emergency, but simply due to the realisation that another road is now calling strongly for your footstep, it’s very hard to draw a line in the sand, and say “Honey, this is the day that I’m leaving.”

There is no scrambling for closure by a certain deadline imposed by necessity. There is no calling for help from close friends to have a working bee to get your possessions removed quickly.

There is just an ambling towards an organic endpoint, that always seems to shift further away on the horizon. And I’m really struggling with this sense of non-urgency. This is the sort of vibe that rolls one year into the next, and nothing has changed.

This realisation has sent me into a startled panic. OMG, I started talking about this last year, and I’m still here, with my house in a seemingly permanent state of semi-packed cluttered mess.

All the work is up to me – physically and financially.
I have limited time.
I have limited money.

Nevermind that on the other side of this process I will have more time and more money. Well, less debt, actually. And creative, follow-my-Soul-Purpose FREEDOM!

Throw in the amount of detaching from and sorting of personal and joint property. If there is anger, hate and resentment, it would be easier to make decisions on behalf of your reluctant-to-let-go spouse. Because basically, you’re carrying their load on top of all the other actions and decisions that need to be made.

So to carry out these tasks in the spirit of compassion and kindness is a deep initiatory challenge. There isn’t that vibe of ruthless and even bloody-minded “That’ll teach’em!” force behind your actions. No. Your actions will be imbued with great care and concern that they will have what they need, what they want and what may provide some small measure of comfort.

Many rooms need to be cleared out. Cupboards will reveal long lost items. Forgotten objects suddenly have great sentimental value. Cute trinkets and knick-knacks go in the growing garage-sale pile. Then there is the goodwill pile. Out-of-date stuff goes straight into the bin. And there’s a pile of stuff that is too large to go into the bin and needs to be taken to the tip.

And because there are so many personal and household items in transition, you will have stacks of temporary piles and boxes that you bump into because you’re running out of room. Heaven help you if you should need anything stored away in any of those boxes.

Include a house to sell. So put in a good dose of spring cleaning and making it look attractive, desirable and presentable for potential buyers. This is a process of guaranteed poignancy. Energetically, your home will be looking fresh and appealing but it’s not intended for you. And it’s quite likely that your already-reluctant spouse who will be even more reluctance to leave.

So. There is this large list of seemingly overwhelming and onerous list of tasks for you to do. Mixed with huge guilt. So it is temptingly easy to just avoid taking action, postponing it for some mythic future time when you “feel” right about doing it.

Which involves wishing for some event to occur that will FORCE you to take action. Such as, dare I think this, death or illness (not yours), a financial emergency such as foreclosure maybe or just a plain old-fashioned explosion of pent up rage and frustration where irretrievably hurtful things are said, and a dramatic exit is called for. I call these my dangerous thoughts, and I try to suppress them. They serve no one and may instigate a regrettable course of karma.

So I look for another strategy to keep moving forward. List making? Arbitrary deadlines for certain tasks? This is one challenge where I need to connect with my heart and Spirit on.